We Call This Boy on Boy
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Sanji and Zoro introduce modern ideas to a primitive culture. Or something.


**Title:** We Call This Boy on Boy  
**Universe: **One Piece  
**Theme/Topic: **N/A  
**Rating:** PG-13 for language  
**Character/Pairing/s:** ZoroxSanji, Robin  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** No spoilers, I think? Just crack.  
**Word Count:** 2,755  
**Su****mmary:** Sanji and Zoro introduce modern ideas to a primitive culture. Or something.  
**Dedication:** kotszok! Happy belated birthday crazy. I HOPE YOU STILL LIKE OP. Sorry there is no bloody stuff, but there is stupidity.  
**A/N:** Out of practice! This is dumb! But now I am done with January! *fist pump and victory pose* …on to February. Ahaha…  
**Disclaimer:** No harm or infringement intended.

* * *

When Sanji wakes up it is because there is a lot of heavy breathing near his left ear and he thinks he is being attacked. That's what it feels like, anyway.

Instinctively, he manages to regain enough of the motor functions necessary to twist sideways and dodge whatever blow is headed towards him just in time, despite being incredibly groggy and nursing the throbbing headache to end all throbbing headaches. He spins and raises his foot over his head in an effort to retaliate after that, hoping to throw his attacker back and take the offensive.

Except that when he actually _sees_ his attacker, he feels himself pull up short.

It's a woman.

Well, it's mostly a woman. It's not anything near as beautiful as Robin-chwan or Nami-swan, but the proof is all right there in front of him (enough to make him blush kind of), as the animal skins the woman is wearing apparently aren't made to cover up anything above the waist.

The full beard she's sporting is—admittedly— a little bit confusing, though.

She makes another charge at him while he's frozen in surprise like that, her lips puckered clumsily and drooling.

It's at that point when he realizes that she is not attacking him. She is trying to _kiss him_.

Sanji meeps and sidesteps her second attempt at mouth-on-mouth hastily, trying to find his bearings in the flickering firelight so he can better assess what the hell is going on.

From what he can tell, he is in a cave right now, and there is a cavewoman, and she is trying to make out with him a lot. As this is a far, far cry from the last thing he remembers doing, he decides that a firm, yet gentle rejection is in order first, followed by a very quick (and probably unmanly) retreat until he can fill in the blanks missing in his memories.

"Um," he starts, warily eyeing the woman (above the chin only mind you; he's still a gentleman after all) while his mind races (and throbs) for a way to put this delicately so that she won't immediately change her attempts at kissing him to attempts at killing him. He raises his hands in a stopping motion and looks apologetic. "I'm very, very flattered, madam, but I can't ret…"

She ignores him, and with a series of low hoots and a strange gorilla-like motion of her arms above her head, makes another thrust with her mouth towards his.

He shrieks and launches himself sideways. Rejection rejected. Unmanly retreat, check.

More hooting and shouting bounces off the walls of the cave at him then, and as he looks up and around, he realizes that this hole in the ground apparently has an audience viewing section built in a few feet above them, and that this whole fiasco is currently being watched with great interest by even more cavewomen (all of whom are, unfortunately, bearded as well).

"Cook-san," a familiar voice calls out then, and thank the gods, it's Robin-chwan's, "you might want to wake Swordsman-san while you're down there." He automatically follows the sound of her heavenly voice until sees her, perched inside a cage at the very edge of the ridge above him, arms bound and looking tired. She smiles wearily at him to show that she is fine, regardless of her current predicament. "And I would hurry, if possible," she adds, calmly.

"Hai, Robin-chwan!" he answers automatically, before spinning around in a responsive pirouette at her loveliness and his relief to see her doing relatively well. As he does, the resulting 360 degree view he gets of the cave floor finally reveals what she means.

As it turns out, Sanji is not the only member of the Strawhat Pirates who has to deal with potential kiss-rape right now; apparently Zoro is also laid out unconscious on the cave floor some feet away, and is currently being prowled on by another bearded lady much to the same dimensions as the one currently trying to eat Sanji's face.

"Oi, dumbass!" Sanji screams, as the second woman climbs on top of the marimo to get her kiss. "Wake the fuck up!"

He sends a forceful kick in Zoro's general direction for emphasis, and the resulting slicing of air rips open a gash several inches long on the swordsman's arm. Between them, this is called a warning shot.

"Ow. The fuck?!" Zoro grunts, eyes fluttering open just in time to notice the chapped, puckered lips hovering just inches from his own and bearing down fast. His eyes go wide, he makes an undignified sound in the back of his throat, and he promptly grabs, twists, and throws.

The cavewoman grunts when she hits the far wall.

"Heathen!" Sanji shouts on instinct. "Don't hit women!"

The woman who Zoro had thrown shakes her head, surprised, and stands again, looking wary as she clearly begins to re-evaluate her strategy on how to go about this whole thing.

"What the hell is going on?!" Zoro demands in the meantime, blatantly unapologetic about his less than gentlemanly acts of violence as he climbs to his feet.

Sanji thinks he is a Neanderthal.

Though admittedly, his question is a fair one. The last things Sanji remembers himself was the freak storm that had hit them late last night, the way the air had made Robin, Chopper, Brooke, and Luffy all feel strange, and the moment Robin had been thrown overboard by a particularly fierce wave.

Zoro had dived in after her, being the closest one to where she'd gone over.

But then he'd promptly ended up _swimming in the wrong direction_ to save her.

Sanji had cursed at him, jumped in next, and managed to grab her before going after Zoro. But more things must have been flying overboard at that point (he thinks), because after that there had been a sharp crack, a sudden pain in his temple, and a flood of blackness thereafter.

Beyond that there is also a very fuzzy, almost dreamlike memory of waking up on a strange beach sometime afterward—if only for a moment— and in that vague vision he thinks that can see a hideous nightmare creature's eyes looking back at him curiously. But he can't be certain because more head pain had ensued shortly thereafter and everything from that moment until now is a big lump of nothing. .

Apparently it's the same with Zoro, because he is rubbing his head—where there is now an angry fist-sized knot—while looking at the woman who had been trying to kiss him like she is all just part of some strange, drunken nightmare that he has yet to fully awaken from.

"Apparently," Robin begins, when she correctly reads their confusion from above, "Cook-san and Swordsman-san are in the middle of this tribe's mating ritual."

Zoro blinks. "The fuck?!"

Sanji instantly, instinctively replies, "Robin-chwan knows everything!" With hearts in his eyes.

"How the hell did that happen?!" Zoro demands. "I thought we were drowning. Is this hell?"

Robin's voice is calm but still strangely weak as she continues. "From what I have been able to discern from the cave paintings, this side of the island contains the female population of the tribe, while the opposite side houses the men. When the women come of age they procure a mate by sneaking into the men's caves, clubbing any likely suitors over the head, and dragging them back here for the ceremony. Once either of you is kissed, you will be considered the property of whoever kissed you for life."

Sanji doesn't like the sound of that.

Zoro doesn't seem to like the sound of it even more, because now his fists are up, and he's eyeing the woman who had been crawling all over him just now like he might seriously fight her.

"Don't hit women!" Sanji reminds him fiercely, and takes a leaping kick towards the swordsman's head when it looks like he's going to go right ahead and knock his poor, misguided admirer unconscious with a well-timed punch to the face.

"The hell are you doing!?" Zoro demands, when he has to dodge a potential kiss to the mouth _and_ a foot to the nose.

Sanji just glares. "Idiot marimo, they're just girls!"

"Girls who want to do the nasty with us!" Zoro retaliates. "Why the hell would I…" he trails off, then gives Sanji a look. "Oh. I get it."

Sanji bristles instinctively at the swordsman's tone, all while dancing around his own persistent suitor in the meantime. "What the hell's that supposed to mean, dumbass?"

Zoro looks derisive. "You're all excited to finally get some."

Sanji gapes. "LIKE HELL."

Zoro just ignores him and turns his attention back above them, shouting in Robin's general direction. "Woman, get us out of this!!"

Robin sounds apologetic. "I would, Swordsman-san," she begins, "but I'm afraid this entire island chain seems to be made primarily of seastone and I am currently rather bound." She holds up her arms again, to show the crude ropes tying her to her cage floor.

Which, Sanji supposes, explains the weird reactions their crewmates had to the winds last night; if had been filled with seastone minerals eroded from the islands it's no wonder they hadn't just all passed out on deck the moment the storm picked up. "My poor Robin-chwan," Sanji murmurs, and promises he will get her out of this in perfect condition and make her pretty heart-shaped cookies afterwards.

Zoro isn't as understanding (or sympathetic). "Tell them we don't want to marry them, dammit!"

"The chieftain's daughters have taken quite the liking to you and Cook-san," Robin answers, apologetic. "And while I have tried to communicate your reluctance, she is rather insistent. It has been a very long time since they've seen outsiders here, apparently, and new things are very valuable to them."

Her tone on the last bit of information suggests to her nakama that Robin's earlier attempts at communication had been met with some sort of violent resistance.

The thought alone is nearly enough to prompt Sanji into making an exception to his never-hit-women rule.

But at the same time…

He finds himself blocking Zoro's next punch with his leg anyway, before the idiot marimo can clip the woman's chin with it.

It's instinctive. He can't _help it_.

"Are you _crazy_?!" Zoro shouts, and tries to punch Sanji to get him out of the way. "Like hell I am getting married!"

Sanji dodges the punch and retaliates with his other foot.

That is kind of instinctive as well.

"I'm not letting you punch out some poor woman's lights, you ignorant asshole! It's not her fault she has awful taste in guys!"

Zoro's nostrils flare. "So what, you're going to let them have their way and spend the rest of your life here looking after some really hairy kids?! Fucking moron!" He tries another punch.

Sanji glares, dodges. "Violent gorilla!" A third kick.

"Love-struck _puppy_!" An attempted head butt.

"Idiotic caveman!!" A knee aimed at the stomach.

"_Wannabe_ caveman!" An elbow to the chest.

Neither swordsman nor cook notices it when the surrounding hooting and shrieking suddenly dies down, turning instead, to a murmur of general confusion.

"I know, how about I break your face so you'll be too ugly for her?" Zoro suggests.

"Obviously your woman is already blind if she finds _you_ appealing as is!" Sanji answers.

In the meantime, their would-be suitors both share a puzzled (yet incredibly curious) look and sit down, to watch.

One of Sanji's legs is pinned to Zoro's waist by Zoro's arm now, the swordsman holding it still while they hurl insults at each other. The fact that one leg is immobile doesn't stop the cook from lashing out with the other however; he twists with his free leg and aims a second kick to Zoro's opposite side, using Zoro's hold on his leg to keep him upright.

Zoro blocks and then pins the second leg anyway, and suddenly Sanji's legs are both wrapped around his waist as the two of them pant and glare at each other, forehead to forehead, nose to nose.

"Oooh," the two women watching breathe.

"Ha!" Zoro shouts, triumphant when he thinks Sanji can't move anymore.

"Let go!" Sanji counters, eyebrow twitching.

"Make me."

"FINE."

Sanji bends backwards then, until his hands touch the floor, and with his legs both wrapped around Zoro as they are, he kicks up from there, throwing Zoro over and behind him onto the ground. The cook flips over to pin the swordsman's back to the dirt with his legs. He grins in triumph. "There!"

"Tch, cheap move," Zoro growls.

"You're just slow," Sanji counters.

"Aaaaah," their women sigh, and begin chattering to each other in high pitched tones that sound a lot like "Kya kya kyaaaaa."

It is at this point when the two Strawhat Pirates finally remember that they are not alone.

It is also at this point that they realize they are still being watched, rather intensely.

"Um," Sanji says, and blinks at the women.

"Why do those two look all crazy…crazier now?" Zoro asks,

"It seems that they—and the rest of the tribe— are wondering why you two are undertaking the mating ritual with each other rather than with the women at this point," Robin explains, sounding incredibly amused somehow. "Apparently this has never happened before."

Sanji's eyes go wide at her implications. "ROBIN-CHWAN, please believe that I am even MORE uninterested in kissing this asshole than I am in the bearded women!" he assures her, before pausing and turning to the cavewomen again. "No offense, madams. It was just an example."

In the meantime, Zoro just looks inspired, even pinned to the ground under Sanji's knees as he is.

"Hey," he begins, while Sanji is still making excuses and not really paying attention, "I got an idea, aho cook."

And then, without another word, he reaches out and grabs Sanji by the tie, yanks him downward, and kisses him full on the mouth.

* * *

Later, when Nami, Usopp, and Franky appear at the village's edge in search of their nakama (while the Devil's Fruit users remain on the ship to sulk and twiddle their thumbs), they discover themselves in the midst of what looks to be a rather grand celebratory feast.

"Robin!" Nami exclaims, all relief at seeing the historian looking alive and relatively well, despite the drag on her abilities the island is undoubtedly creating. "You're okay! Are you okay?"

Robin smiles calmly from where she is sipping something out of a coconut, sitting alongside the Chieftain and her two daughters at the largest table. "I am perfectly unharmed, Navigator-san," she reports. "We were just in the middle of a party, as it were."

"What's with those two?" Usopp asks next, gesturing to Zoro and Sanji, as the cook and the swordsman sit on a crudely ornamented stage in the very center of the festivities. Their arms are tied together with a pair of thick vines that are decorated with large, white flowers. Sanji also has a ring of said white flowers sitting neat and pretty on his head, and there is a huge plate of delicious-smelling roasted meat in front of them.

Neither of them looks very happy.

Robin just rests her chin in her hand, eyes twinkling. "Cook-san and Swordsman-san are the guests of honor," she explains, vaguely.

"That seems…unlikely," Nami decides, while Usopp inches behind Franky when one of the bearded ladies makes an inquisitive, pucker-lipped gesture in his general direction. "What'd those morons do now?"

"They have had the privilege of sharing a novel concept with the ladies of this village and it has gone over marvelously, if I had to put it simply," Robin explains, slyly. "It seems that the people of this island truly enjoy receiving new things."

Nami seems unconvinced. "Oh?"

Robin gestures for her crewmates to join them at the table. "That is what we shall call it, in any case" she says.

Which, the Strawhats suppose, is good enough. Nami, Usopp, and Franky sit down to eat.

Meanwhile, on their celebratory stage, Sanji's ring of flowers falls into his eyes again.

"_That_ was your brilliant idea?!" he snarls to the swordsman, while in the distance, the Chieftain's two daughters giggle at the sight of them trying to eat with their arms tied together. They make some more "Kyaaa!" noises to their mother, to which Robin can only smile secretively at.

"Shut up, property," Zoro grunts, and eats his meat.

**END**


End file.
